Men and Peanut Butter–Basically The Same Concept

I have always hated making decisions.

When I get married I plan to defer all decisions to my husband.  I will be submissive and controlled.

Decisions are stressful for me.  Simple ones like whether to buy a shirt in red or blue are paralyzing.  When I’m shopping and I’m faced with such a difficult choice I typically give up and choose neither.  I’d rather make no choice at all then to make the wrong one.

Inevitably, when I leave the store I wonder if not making a choice was actually, in fact, making a bad choice.

My lack of decisionmaking prowess is an issue every month when I shop for peanut butter.  I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER.  I keep one jar of peanut butter at work, and the other jar in my bed.  Yes, in my bed.  PB is high protein filling, and delicious.  If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I feel around for my peanut butter, pop the jar open, grab the spoon wrapped in a napkin on top of my nightstand and dig in.  I keep a bottle of water on my nightstand as well for these emergencies.

 Since I love PB sooooo much, you would think I prefer a particular brand.  I don’t.  Every month when I purchase two jars of peanut butter I compare price with chunky vs. creamy.  Then I try to remember all the brands that were killing people. I try to avoid those, but if they are really tasty I’ll buy them anyway.  I can’t commit to a PB in fact, I can barely choose a PB to settle on.  I’ve stood in the PB aisle for up to 20 minutes and just ended up grabbing the 2 PBs closest to me.  I can tell you right now, just grabbing the nearest 2 resulted in regret many times. So now when I can’t make a decision, much like shirt shopping, I leave the store without PB in tow knowing damn well I don’t like to sleep without it!

I have the same relationship with men that I have with peanut butter.

So many choices…so many possibilities…so hard to choose one.  And when I can’t, I ditch them all and start over.   I’m either with a lot of peanut butter, I mean men, or without any!  In other words, I’m either not dating anyone at all or dating like 7 people I can’t keep straight or choose between.

Everytime I meet a man I compare tall vs. short, skinny vs. chunky…one minute I’m in the mood for Clinton Portis, next minute I’m in the mood for Robert from Day 26—no correlation at all.  But unlike a jar of peanut butter, you can’t just hurry up and finish a man so you can try a new one.

All I need is 2 spoonfuls of PB to know if I like it, with men, it takes much longer to figure out if this is one of those brands that be killing people…or, if the time/emotional price is too much to pay for a sampling.  All of these questions come in to play when I consider committing to a product or a relationship.

I refuse to print the number  of guys I’m seeing right now because whenever you say you are dating someone people assume you are sleeping with that person.  Apparently, I am one of the few people that can spend more than a few minutes with someone and not feel obligated to sleep with them—even if I said I would.

But suffice it to say there are a few at this stage in the game.  I’ve mentioned before that there are 4 distinct qualities I look for in a man and none of the men I’m dating now have all 4.  One has a small child, a big huge gianormous no no for a relationship, but yet I can’t cut him off the way I want too.  One is majorly emotional.  All men are super sensitive, but most can hide it.  He can’t.  Safe emotions for men to display are anger and annoyance, he displays them too often.  We often go weeks without speaking, then one of us uses pimp strategy on the other and we end up back on the same page…well maybe not the same page, but definitely the same chapter.  Another is just plain immature.  I don’t know what else to say.  His friends come before anything else, and he still hasn’t decided on a career path. 

Those are the negatives…but the one with the child is adventurous like me…he’ll try anything once.  The a**hole is just …manly.  Like most women I’m seduced by hypermasculinity. And the immature one…makes me laugh.  He is quick-witted, super-smart, and creative. 

But right now I still have a feeling I need to ditch this bunch and try something new.  A couple months ago, I tried almond butter and nutella to replace peanut butter.  I liked it.

Not sure what the metaphorical equivalent is when it comes to men…but until I solve my PB commitment issues, I think my relationship commitment issues will persist.

7 Simple Secrets to Pimpin…No, pimpin ain’t easy-Pimpin is Simple!

Men always date more than one girl at a time. ALWAYS. They never put all their eggs in one basket until they’ve consciously made a choice.  That’s how so many women get confused thinking they are in a relationship with a man when really they are just dating or chilling or some other term men use to describe a situation in which the woman is giving way more than they are.

I have been criticized, admired, praised, and questioned on my ability to date like a man.  The female biology is different from the male’s…men can physically love’em and leave’em.  But women can’t do this.  Samantha on Sex in the City?  Yeah, that was a CHARACTER.  That ain’t real life.  In fact, most women are intimate with men because they crave intimacy and affection NOT because “it” is so good. So it’s 1000 times more difficult for us to date in multiples. 

Unless…

You have in your little lady fingers,

 

Singledout’s 7 Simple Secrets To Pimpin’

I agree.. pimpin’ ain’t easy… PIMPIN IS SIMPLE!

I have always hung around a lot of men, and contrary to what many believe, men are not stupid and they are not simple.  They love to claim ignorance so they can be excused from meeting our needs. WRONG! As a female one-of-the-guys, I know the truth.  Men are just as complicated as women with triple the emotion bottled up inside.  They are longing to be in a relationship but the pressure to do so doesn’t hang over their heads like a dark cloud.  They have time.  Why rush?  Still, the similarities between sexes outweigh the differences.

Men are so much like women, we can excel using the same pimpin techniques they use on us.  I am a witness.  I am listing the techniques below, everywhere you see the word X insert a man or woman’s name.

 

MAINTAIN MYSTERY

This is step one in the grooming process.  Nobody likes harlots, manwhores, scrubs, crazies, stalkers etc. and you may be none of these things, but the more you share of yourself the more impressions can built.  One story about a declined credit card now has X thinking you can’t pay your bills. Next thing you know, you are lonely on a Saturday night and X won’t pick up the phone!

That’s why mystery is important.  When pimpin’,  don’t stay on the phone with your victim too long, 10 minutes or less is a general rule for all conversations.  When you call, never leave a voice message, make them wonder what you wanted.  When they call, don’t answer it but call them right back.  Now X will wonder what you were just doing…don’t tell them.  And don’t make up anything, avoid the subject altogether.   They should wonder why you don’t want them in your business.

 Never talk on the phone or text while you’re with one of your conquests. 1. It’s very rude. And 2. You may end up divulging information in a personal conversation that is not to your benefit for X to know.  Speaking of giving up the tapes,  never ever divulge whether you are seeing other people, how many people you’ve slept with or when your last relationship was.  These are not relevant to the pimp-victim paradigm.

Block X from your facebook wall.  X does not need to follow conversations with your friends.  X is not your friend, they are your victim.  But, do allow X to view your photos.  X should see you as a fun person that hangs around people that they know nothing about…they should wonder if you’ve dated any of the people in your photos and where you met all of them.  If they ask about the photos…

 

DOWNPLAY EVERYTHING

This is key.  If you do something totally wrong, such as tell X that you are coming over say you are coming over that night, then don’t show up or call to cancel, act like it’s no big deal.  Call them the next day and have a normal conversation i.e. Hey, what’s up with you? X will be confused and hurt.  This is easier for women to do because most men are too proud to say “why you ain’t come over last night.”  This is the trickiest one for men. 

Men are emotionally crippled by society’s constant urging of them to be strong and unrelenting propensity for accusing them of being gay when they accidentally raise their hand the wrong way.  This is why men do stuff like tell X that they are coming over that night, then don’t show up or call to cancel, and then act like it’s no big deal.  Men don’t like to hear women hem and haw.  If X is a girl and she says “why you ain’t come over last night…?”  First, act confused, then say “Ohhhh yeahhhh last night, oh man, last night was crazy… yeah, I ‘m Sor— (let your voice fade so I’m sorry becomes inaudible).”  Do not say why last night was crazy, let X come up with her own story in her mind that you shall never confirm nor deny.

Downplaying is important because people THINK they like drama-free individuals so this makes you more desirable.  If you lose your job, just tell  X that you’re not worried about it.  If X sees you being cozy with another person, and inquires about who the person is, just say “Man, it ain’t even like that…”  Be mindful, down playing things typically requires you to…

 

MASTER REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

After telling X that there is no way they saw what they thought they saw, you should accuse them of being all the things you are…a liar, a cheat, a ho, a freak, a jerk, disrespectful…just don’t be harsh with it.  Say things like “I feel like you’re always so jealous….” Or “Why you always coming with the drama, I’m just tyring to chill and be happy…”  It’s important to blame this all on X and their anti-happiness even though you know that there is no way they misinterpreted the situation or did anything wrong.  But remember, you are pimping here, not trying to better society.

IF X asks you to take them somewhere around people, you should accuse them of “acting funny”  to get out of it.  If you know there is an event coming up that you simply can’t hide from them, such as a mutual friend’s wedding or your fraternity’s annual cookout for the homeless, pretend that they have a chance, then pick a fight with them roughly 9 days prior to the event. That should be enough lead time to cover your ass.  But how do you get them back??

 

IMMEDIATELY FOLLOW KINDNESS WITH DISRESPECT

No, I don’t have this backwards.  Before you pick a fight to prevent X from acaccompanying you to wherever it is that you don’t want to be seen with them (basically anywhere outside of THEIR house), be really sweet and nice the days before.  This helps you cover all of the first 4 secrets.  X won’t know why you freaked out all of a sudden therefore you remain mysterious.  When you call X, you will act like nothing ever happened…and if X confronts you on this issue, you can use reverse psychology and blame the whole thing on them.  You can end that conversation by reminding them of how “good things were going” before they started “acted funny.”

But what if X gets fed up with all of this? 

Well, typically, if you play your cards right, they won’t…but, men, being the clever creatures they are, have devised 2 secrets to keeping someone lingering who, if they were smarter or wiser or read this blog regularly would know to leave their PIMPtail alone.

What are the 2 secrets to keeping a fed-up victim lingering?

 

 PRETEND TO BE JEALOUS          

If X doesn’t call you after you ditch them for the event, or whatever other messed up thing you did, call them and pretend to be jealous.  Tell them that you heard they were messin with Tay-Tay (Tayshawn or Tawanda).  Tell them that Keisha told you.  Don’t worry about Keisha, nobody likes her because she talks too much.  Tell X that they probably were acting funny because they been kicking it with someone else.

See, two pimps can’t pimp each other.  So it’s important that you, as the real PIMP ensure that you are the only one seeing other people.  You have to stay in X’s thoughts.  Or else, you risk losing one of your backups to another PIMP.

If X gets really wise, you have to take things to the next level.  Men do this allll the time.  In fact, some of them do it before the woman even shows signs of wearing thin.

 

BECOME EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE

Accuse X of wanting too much, and tell them that you are the only one who will tolerate their demands—even though they haven’t demanded anything.  Or, tell them that there’s 932340304932809483209843290843092 other people who would LOVE to be in their spot.  Any valid concerns expressed by X should be dismissed as “bringing drama.”  That way X feels confused which leads to them feeling bad.  See first secret, NO ONE likes someone who brings drama (so they say).  This is HIGHLY effective for both men and women, because women have been accused of being nags so much in relationships that a man accusing you of making his life difficult is the ultimate wound.  Since most women give more than men anyway, so it’s also insulting.  That’s a good thing, remember, two words: emotional abuse.  It’s effective for men, because men do not want to be accused of showing feminine characteristics, even though, as I stated before, basically we are all the same.

Except men can do this without getting tired or having to write it all out.

They have it stored in their memory banks.

Meanwhile, I am exhausted.

The 7^th and final rule of PIMPING is my favorite:

 

REFUSE TO ENJOY THEIR COMPANY

X might be a fun person…they may like to go to poetry readings and karaoke or they might even like to ride motorcycles and play video games.  But these activities are much too much fun for a PimpinVictim! If X even suggests the two of you do anything remotely ‘fun’ you should immediately suggest watching a movie at THEIR house, that way you can immediately get up and leave once you start getting comfortable.  A true pimp cuts out the fun factor from Day 1, that way there is no chance of ever becoming attached to this boring person who does nothing but watch movies.  In fact, if you look at them long enough you can picture them sitting on the couch 20 years from now fat and whining about how you never cook.  Surely, that will keep you from falling for them.

And never make a habit of letting your Conquests spend the night.  This is where most pimpstresses get a FAIL.  It’s so hard for us women to detach.  But you have to…nay, you MUST.  Sharing a bed with someone is the most intimate thing you can do.  Michael Jackson said this—the first time he has walked in the truth in ages.  “French” kissing outside the bedrom, hand-holding, and spooning are on the Pimp No-fly List.  Try any of those, and and a PIMP will make an emergency landing so you can go’head and hop off the plane.  But most PIMPs don’t let you fly out of their airport anyway, in fact all baggage inspections, ticket retrievals, and strip-searches should be conducted at X’s place of business, or else, it’s a no-go.  A PIMP needs to be free to move about the country like Southwest.

 

If you follow all 7 rules with at least 3 different people at the same time for a minimum of 2 months, you will achieve PIMP status.

 

NOW——

 

Where my pimps at?

Crushes Are Bad…I Need A New One!!

Crushes are debilitating conditions that can not only impact the decision making part of your brain, but can actually kill the cells.  If left untreated, crushes can eventually damage the heart—sometimes beyond repair it seems.

 

For the past 15 months I’ve been ill with a crush that I can’t seem to kick.   

 

Apparently, when you’re feeling someone [liking them a lot] oxatocin and serotonin, those chemicals in your body that tell your brain (and other parts) that you are happy, appear in large supply.  I guess that’s what causes all the ‘cheesing’ people claim I do when he comes around.

 

And I will admit that I do get happy when I see his face.  Being the expressive type, I can’t hide my excitement.  So usually when I see him I say “yay!”  Yes, I actually say “yay.”  I can’t help it! I’m sure he thinks I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not.

 

Last Sunday (3/15/08) I went to the Ryan Leslie/Estelle concert and I had a great time (blog on that to come).  I don’t know Estelle’s music but I must say that she is one hell of a performer.  Throughout her show she told stories to explain the purpose behind each song.  She connected with the audience using her life experiences.  Before one of her songs, she talked about how she hates it when a guy or a girl sees someone that makes them go ‘yay’[my word, she chose to convey this idea by pretending to dance up on someone] and they never say anything.  She said life is to f*****g short for that (she curses a lot).  She said if you like someone, you should tell them.

 

Is she right?

 

I think back to my very first crush.  Yes, I remember it.  In my lifetime, I have only had 4.  The first one was in 6^th grade, he was an 8^th grader.  I thought he was the cutest thing ever—that was all I knew about him. I told another girl about the crush and a week later she was his girlfriend.  I think she told him about the crush.  Whatever the case, he was NOT feeling me at all. 

 

6 years later I saw him in the grocery store and let’s just say he looked interested. 

 

The 2^nd crush I had was on someone that I had known pretty much all my life.  It was a mutual crush so it was silly for us both to have never said anything.  What makes it so bad, is that I knew he liked me, and I still didn’t provide any openings or state how I felt. Once we were in high school he started dating a friend of mine.  Later he and I started seeing each other once she and I were no longer friends. We’re still cool.  A little of the crush still remains, I have no idea how he feels. Distance is a concern, among other issues.

 

My 3^rd crush hit me in college.  He was a Jr. and I was a freshman.  Talk about a sexy man.  A GROWN man! I tried everything I could to get him to approach me.  He never paid me any attention.  In fact, our college had a skating outing and I skated past him 3 times and waved.  Still nothing.  Learning something from the 1^st and 2^nd crush, I decided that I wasn’t going to wait until a female friend got her hands on him. I decided to approach him at a party.  I use the term approach very loosely.  Basically, I went up to him with “Get Your Freak On Remix” playing in the background and told him how I thought he was soooooo handsome and how he has never noticed me and asked him if I could call him.  He said, Yes, I probably said something like “Yay!.” He also informed me that I should have “just said something” a long time ago.  And no he didn’t notice my semi-stalking behavior. The outcome of that situation need-not be detailed here, plus, he can read and he knows alllll about the internet(s).

 

Now, here I stand 27 years old with another crush.  A 15-month-crush.  And let me tell you, it’s a head banger.  One of my friends “claims” that I am an entirely different person when he comes around. She has spoken to him quite a bit and has decided that he is very immature (he is!) in addition to being a manwhore (he might be), and that if I began to date him, he would drive me crazy (he already does!)…or I would drive him crazy (I really would!).

 

I still want him.

 

I rarely meet men that I’m really in to, so when I do, I probably get happier than the average chick.  I think what makes this crush a killer is that there are 6 qualities I look for in a man [blog on that to come].  Crush has 5 of them.  Although my attractions have run the gamut, I definitely have a physical ‘type’ (dark-skinned, rugged-looking, not-too-tall with muscles), and he fits that too save for one thing).

 

So I’m completely thrown or blown…or whatever the kids are calling it these days. 

 

I’m sure he knows I like him, and I’m almost positive he likes me back. Basically, 3 things would hold him back from me 1. He has a girlfriend 2. He is too scared to make the first move, or 3. He’s just not that in to me. All 3 would prevent us getting together, but it doesn’t prevent this weighing on my mind…

 

So…

 

Let’s assume that 1 or all 3 are true…at some point I need to speak my mind, or find a way to get over the situation.  The problem is, which one to choose…

 

If I choose the former, what do I say to him?

If I choose the latter, everyone knows that the only way to get over a crush is to get a new one…where is he??

 

After 15 months I am like a *blind deer…

 

 

 

*I have no idea  

 

How My Dog Is JUST LIKE A Man

1. He misbehaves even though he knows I have no problem putting him out–he literally runs out of the room when I say “Out.”
2. After I put him out, he sneaks back in when I’m not looking trying to see if I’m still mad. Sometimes he actually puts his head down and looks away as though that makes him invisible.
3. When he’s bad, he immediately tries to smooth things over by giving affection. This can include trying to lay his head on my chest.
4. If he makes me really mad he’ll go away for a while and then come back later and act like nothing ever happened.
5. He brings me things I don’t want (dead fish heads or trash), and if I don’t pretend to like them, his feelings get hurt.
6. He unintentionally and unknowingly takes more than he gives.
7. He walks around looking for shit to get into and won’t rest until he finds something.
8. When he meets girls, he immediately tries to hump them.
9. Once he realizes he can’t destroy something, he doesn’t want to play with it anymore.
10. He’s aggressive towards most men, friendly to some, but LOVES every woman he meets.
11. He loves anyone who brings or gives him food.
12. When he doesn’t want to do something he pretends to be sleeping or too busy eating.
13. When I leave the house he pretends to be upset when really he can’t wait for me to leave so he can sleep or do his own thing.
14. After being reprimanded repeatedly for making the same mistake he is still confused about why I’m upset
15. When he doesn’t like something I’m doing he’d rather sigh, moan, and groan instead of just getting up and leaving the room.
16. He relaxes by playing with balls—this can include tennis balls and footballs as well as his “natural’ ones.
17. He knows he’s too cute to stay mad at.
18. He always feels affectionate in the morning jumping on the bed with me wanting to be petted and hugged; he’s also really aggressive with it trying repeatedly after being shot down. Usually, I give in to his advances after he keeps trying but on those days when I refuse, he cops an attitude and leaves the room.
19. He doesn’t want to play with anyone bigger than him.

and finally…

20.  Every kid needs one in their life!

Working With My Body

Recently a friend posted the following as his facebook status message; ——-is sick of people telling him that “anybody can be a morning person.” After 39 years of solid daily data analysis My research says that’s Bull$%^.

To which I replied: Agreed. I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I am at my best between 1pm and 5pm, and then again between 8pm and 11pm. Before and after I’m just not feeling it. And I’m so serious right now, I have learned in order to be productive you must be in touch with yourbiology.

But what if you’re trying to get in touch with someone else’s biology?

I’ve often wondered why people think you can only have fun at night. A couple weeks ago, I went down to Charlotte, NC to take part in the f*ckery that passes off as a basketball tournament–CIAA. Before going down, I checked the long lit of parties and as soon as I saw the word “Day Party” I was happy! The first day at CIAA we went to the bar “The Whiskey River” and about 1 or 2pm. I had a GREAT time…no, the crowd wasn’t “all that” but it was during my ‘feel-good’ hours of 1 and 5.

Between 1 and 5 I am liable to do anything. My attitude is the most positive and it’s when I feel my most centered and adventurous. Between the hours of 1 and 5 I might drink a whole bottle of champagne and do the stanky leg, or I might go to Rock Creek Park and rollerblade with my dog until my skates hurt my feet, or I might do 4 media interviews, respond to 35 emails, while checking my facebook and texting some friends. I’m so on point…But once 5pm hits there is a lull in my thinking and activity. I really just want to sleep.

Around 7:30 my energy picks up again. During the week this is after happy hour ends so I usually miss that boat. It’s also after a full day where most of my energy has been spent at my full-time job where nothing is ever truly accomplished.  I’d rather be doing things that matter, like working on my own business ventures or being up in some handsome man’s face, activities that could actually get me somewhere in life. 

Not being able to work with your body’s biology is a hindrance. People often ask me why I take work from my full-time job home with me. Well, in part it’s because I have such a heavy workload and with phones ringing and people talking and stopping by, a full-time work day yields more new assignments than completed ones.

But also, I do work at home because my biology lends itself to creativity and focus again from 8pm-11pm. On this past Friday night, I developed 3 logo design options for the client I support at my full-time job, updated the social network I created for them on Ning, and then played with the design of my own Web site, and adjusted the logo for this blog, and updated the information for the facebook group. PRODUCTIVE INDEED!

I have no regrets about giving my time to the Federal government. Working at home and actually being productive for once, increases the chances that I can walk into the office on Monday and not feel like I am experiencing another groundhog day. I hate that society forces us not only to work against our biology and thereby the very nature of ourselves.

Why is that people who are night owls have to go into an office at 7 or 8 am only to spend time getting coffee to wake up and then be incoherent until the afternoon? Why is that people who work best in quiet environments work in Cubicle City where the walls are thin (if there are walls at all) and you can hear every conversation and phone ringing. One of my colleagues has a cell phone that rings like this ‘doinky doink doinky doink’ drives me nuts. One time, I gave an interview to the NY Times while the girl across the ‘wall’ from me listened to the Steve Harvey morning show. It’s a wonder I didn’t give out some classified government information.

But who cares about work. This forced assimilation regarding time and activity has infiltrated my personal life.

And every time a dude calls me at 7pm and asked me “What you doing today,” I am speechless as I try to figure out how to explain that my day is over and no I do not care that it’s Saturday.

I’ve had my fun.

On Saturdays and Sundays, during the day, I may do anything from take a dance or rock climbing class to go to a few different beauty shops to try on wigs, to simply getting dressed and walking around the city. I may ride around to somewhere I’ve never been outside the city in my Land Rover pumping T.I. and Gucci Mane with the windows down. I may go to Ross and try on dresses, or take my dog to 3 different pet smarts so he can walk around after running with him up on “The Hill.” I may stop in a bar  and watch a game and grab some calamari, or I may walk around the newseum, or stop by Sephora and try a new eye-shadow color. Or, I might stop in a tattoo shop and peruse designs, or go to a sports shop and look at MMA gear and golf clubs. And yes, I consider ALL OF THIS to be fun.

A lot more fun than standing outside the doors of a club hoping to get in with your feet already hurting (as someone who wears 4 inch stilettos everyday, it’s easier to walk and dance in them than it is to stand). It’s also a lot more fun than getting charged for one beer what you’d pay for 12 at Tick-tock Liquors in Langley Park. It’s also not fun to see a guy you are attracted to in the club only to have one of his friends try to talk to you instead. And it’s a whole lot more fun than paying to get into a club and the DJ is terrible and cuts off Say Yi Yi Yi before it gets to the part where the Club Owners start hating and ban the Ying Yang twins from coming back  to the strip club (the best dance-part of the song!)…that is IF they play any southern music at all!

A perfect Saturday for me??

Wake up at 10:30, take a quick wash-up, brush my teeth, grab some water, put on a tennis skirt and an off shoulder long steeve top, a cute short wig, and sneakers, take Kai (my 5 year old German Shepherd) running for an hour, come back to the house, brush him with a shedding blade, give him a treat with his breakfast, vacuum all the rooms in my house, get my laundry together to drop off to be washed and folded, take a full shower, put on 8 pounds of makeup, drink a protein shake, drop my laundry off, head to the thrift store to do some book shopping, walk around U Street, Friendship Heights, or Chinatown, grab lunch with a friend, take some sort of class, head to the grocery store to pick up something to cook for dinner, go home and let the dog out, fix both our dinners, turn on some music, read a magazine, while drinking a glass of wine pausing occasionally to pet my dog who is sleeping sweetly beside me.

But back to the after 7pm conversation between me and ________(insert any dude’s name here, seriously, any dude)…

Him: Yeah, so what you doing today?
Me: (SingledoutJDan): Well actually, I been out all day so I’m done for the night.
Him: DONE FOR THE NIGHT???? Yooo that’s wack! It’s 7:45! On a Saturday! Night is just getting started.
Me: Not for me, I’ve had my fun.
Him: What you do?
Me: *recounts list above^^^*
Him: Woooow. None of that sounded like fun. . Come on now, you ain’t tryna get any drinks or nothin’?? Get ya dance on?
Me: Well, actually, I’m sipping on some Ecco Damani Pinot Grigio right now. And I danced to Souljah Boy while I was cooking dinner.
Him: Ugh! Damn, I was tryna chill with you.
Me: Why didn’t you call me earlier?
Him: Yeah, true. But really, I ain’t wakeup until like 1. I stayed out until like 4 in the morning with my homeboys…we had hit up Ibiza and sh*t. So…I was kinda done. So then I had to get my car cleaned up, and run over to my sister’s house. I just got back.
Me: Oh, I see.
Him: Yeah
Me: That’s cool.
Him: Sooo
Me: Mmmhmm what’s up?
Him: I mean can I come over or…
Me: Hmmm I kind of already got comfortable. Maybe tomorrow afternoon you could come over.
Him: Oh see you bullsh*tting now You ain’t tryna hang with a n*gga.
Me; What? Who said that?
Him: Who said what?
Me; Who said I ain’t wanna kick it wit’you?
Him: YOU DID! Come on now.
Me: I’ll be honest, I like to do stuff during the day. That’s all. And I don’t really like to encourage dudes to chill over my house. Plus, once I’m comfortable, I’m in a different zone, and I don’t really know you like that. I’m really not the type to be in the club like that, I’m sorry.
Him: Yeah all girls say that in the beginning. Then as soon as they be your girl they in the club every night.
Me: Hmm…If you say so.
Him: Pssh
Me: Okay so…
***Silence***
Him: *sigh* I’ll hit you up tomorrow.

I always say ok, knowing they won’t call me the next day…in fact, this type of dude will typically text me on Monday or Tuesday talking about “what’s up.”

Once again, I don’t know how to answer. Because honestly-

I don’t really know what’s up.

Misperceived by Others…or Misperceived by Yourself?

Lately I have been feeling like people have the wrong impression of me. Personally, not professionally. Some examples: In the facebook photo-montages that allow you to tag your friends as “types of people,” I was taggedby one person as ‘prissy’ and another person as ‘the princess.’ I have known both people for over 5 years. Granted, when tagging you have to take into consideration who fits were BEST and those are not complete descriptions there were other tags that I thought would fit me better, such as “the one with the bad memory”  [my memory is terrible, see ADHD!] or ‘the slow one’ [because I never understand anything the first time it's told to me]. 

Recently, when I discussed purchasing my dog $100 leather boots, a friend asked me why I would do that. I responded by saying that it’s important to protect doggie paw pads when you go hiking so that they don’t rip and bleed from being pierced by the rocks.  She said “like you would go hiking!”

I was having a conversation with a male colleague not to long ago about motorcycles. I am a motorcycle fanatic and mentioned that I was contemplating purchasing a Yamaha YZF. He told me that he was sure I knew I wasn’t the type of girl who would know anything about motorcycles and asked me why I wasn’t satisfied riding on the bike of dude’s bikes like I’ve been doing.

Let me just pause here to say that I do not, will not, and have never ridden on the back of any man’s motorcycle. In fact, I don’t fathom riding on any motorcycle with any man including a man I’m married too…unless, of course, he has a Gold Wing, or I am driving and he is in the back holding on to my waist.

I digress…

Over the Holidays I was in a ‘getting to know you’ situation with a guy I was very interested in. In fact,I actually was the one who initiated getting to know each other (something I will never ever do again…a post on that subject is forthcoming). After a few conversations, I asked him what he was looking for…in other words whether or not he was open to a relationship or was he wanting something casual, sexual…etc. He informed me that he was not looking for a relationship and that he knew that I was a ‘good girl’ and if he slept with me I would definitely want more.

I have been described as a ‘good girl’ by numerous men over the years, and I believe that this title has had a negative impact on the longevity of my dating relationships. I’m pretty sure that in reality I do not fit most men’s definition of a ‘good girl.’  So…when I am dating someone and generally just being my normal whimsical, impetuous, expressive, impish, and slightly dramatic self, they accuse me of changing or don’t know what to do with me. I will admit, I am a whole lot to deal with, and in order to be with me, a man must have a very strong sense of self and an equally strong confidence in his own masculinity to be with me.

However, one pattern that has shown itself over and over is this tendency men have to judge me before knowing me. I have been corrected by men when responding to their own questions or talking about my vision for my life. When I say I want to be a stay at home mom, I’ve been told that I would “never do that” [I would] and told that I am a “career woman” [I am but not because I want to be]. When I say that I love to cook when I get married I plan to cook my husband’s breakfast, pack his lunch (with a love note), and make sure dinner is freshly made as many nights as I can, I am told that ‘all women say this’ [they don’t] and that I’m ‘too strong for that’ [I’m not].

And let me insert a second pause here to point out that my parents have been married for 33 years, my mom did/does all of the aforementioned for my dad (and more) and she, a woman who married my dad while her boyfriend was out of town and then promptly sold her motorcycle to her brother, stopped drinking every night, and stayed at home with me from the time I was 6 months old until I was 4) is not a weak woman BY FAR.

Accurate perceptions are important. Perhaps if these men would have allowed themselves to get to know time and believing my descriptions of ME until I give them cause not to, rather than putting together a complete picture of me in their head and refusing to believe any different, they would have a great girlfriend with whom to share time and have fun.

In the meantime, I continue to try to figure out what about my image and delivery causes people (male and female, colleagues and friends and dates) to build perceptions of me so far off-base. In part, I believe that I share so little of myself with people that there are many gaps to fill. I have always been uncomfortable talking about myself with anyone, and I typically limit my conversations about my life to things I’m not particularly passionate about or hurt by or happy about. I keep my conversations with friends and family and romantic partners staid for the most part. In fact, I have often wondered if people ever notice that they can talk to me for hours and not find out a damn thing about me. Typically, I don’t share any of my stories unless I think the other person can benefit from something I learned in the situation. So I’ll take a little bit of the blame here.

But how in the world can someone who grew up in Southeast Virginia in a town of less than 70,000 people spending hours on end picking pecans, string beans, and butter beans in the sizzling Virginia sun only to head in the house at dusk to shell and crack them , who walked in front of a tiller made in the 1940s dropping seeds and carrying a 20lb bucket of water at the age of 8, who hopped the fence at the hog pen and landed on a rusty nail and had to get a tetanus shot, who has never left the country, who went to a public school where it was standard for people to cheat and plagiarize papers, who only took the SATs because the white people in her honors classes told her she had too in order to go to college, who experienced a complete and total culture shock moving from a small city in Virginia to Philadelphia to go to college come off as snobbish or stuck up or having untenenable standards?  As someone who doesn’t like to get dirty or break a sweat?

I find it very strange.

Maybe I assimilate well. Maybe it’s the fact that I love hair and makeup and fashion. Maybe it’s the fact that despite my family history of Dutch fur traders, Native Americans, and sharecroppers who through a melding of cultures and languages have caused every older person in my family to speak some sort of “Nansemond Creole” language, I’ve managed to use proper English (for the most part… in public), and to soften my accent and project my voice, per Oprah’s manual…I really don’t know. But the more I meet people and begin to build personal relationships that often grind to a halt because I am sooooo utterly annoyed by being pre-defined (worse than being pre-judged) these questions will remain on my mind.

And as I ponder this, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask…is there a chance that it is actually me who doesn’t know me?

Prioritizing My Priorities

Pisces people are full of daydreams and ideas. In my life, having so many dreams and feeling like they all could be fulfilled has lead to a paralysis of sorts. I look at my dream list of things to do, and I wonder how will I ever do them all? And if I can’t do them all, are any of them worth doing? And if some of them are, which ones?

I think that this type of convoluted thinking (a sure sign of my attention deficit disorder [more on that later]) has been the single biggest impediment to me reaching my full potential. As someone who rarely, if ever, completes anything, or stays until anything is done, it’s no wonder I recently moved into a house that I have only half finished decorating—even though I have already mapped out my vision for how everything should look—and am now contemplating leaving my job of 18 months and forgoing graduate school to move out to Los Angeles on a leap of faith that my love for the weather and charm of LA wasn’t a one-fleeting feeling.

I’ve decided the best thing for me to do is make a list of all the things I want to do and then take some time to prioritize them. The list in no particular order:

1. Find a new job. I’m tired of being a high-paid Secretary. I didn’t graduate Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa from one of the best universities in the country to have Déjà vu every time I walk into the office. I want to use my skills, and it’s up to me to find the right position and the right Agency or company that will allow me to do so—that is, until I get my own company off the ground! Thank God for books, blogging, facebook, and newspapers or else my brain would have rotted from underuse by now.
2. Save money for my future children. I truly believe that I am more likely to get struck by lightening than to get married, but I do not want to be one of those women who wakes up and realizes that they are over 35 and have not reached their goal of being a Mom. I’ve already planned to adopt at least one child if I’m still unmarried at 32. I’d like two adopt two, but one at a time please!
3. Calculate the cost and maintenance for a motorcycle. I have wanted a motorcycle for the longest. I have on my to-do list to finally take lessons to get my license but I also need to calculate all the costs. When I purchased my truck, a 2008 Land Rover LR2, I did not account for the fact that my insurance would rise from $99 per month to $155. PAINFUL!
4. Complete business plan for my company. I am in the process of starting two business ventures [more on them later] but first I must complete business planning. Business planning is hard and stressful. I really just want to get started, but alas that’s not possible.
5. Learn to create and live by a budget. This has been the hardest thing for me thus far. I think I have created a budget but I don’t know if it’s livable. I will definitely do blogs on my financial woes, but suffice it to say here I got some stuff I need to pay off and plenty of money with which to pay it off…but the will and/or desire simply has not shown itself.
6. Leave the country. I am embarrassed to say I do not even have my passport yet. I really shouldn’t be embarrassed seeing as how I took my very first real vacation at 25 years old when I was making well over $50,000 a year. I never went on a vacation when I was growing up, so I first had to travel the United States. Now that I’ve been to most of the 50 states, well, the ones that matter anyway, I am ready to travel abroad. India, Brazil, shoot, I would settle for Canada right now.
7. Lose 100lbs. Yes, I said 100! I won’t list my weight here, but if I’m trying to lose 100lbs, suffice it to say, I weigh…A LOT! Now that I am near-30 I am realizing that you really do take health for granted in your 20s and teens, and conditions can start to sneak up on you. For most of my life I have had very low blood pressure, almost abnormally low, but for the past 3 months, my blood pressure has been so elevated I’m not eligible for birth control! Need I say more?
8. Continue my education. I’d like to complete a lobbying certificate, a coaching degree, and a project management certification as well as completing my Masters. One of my biggest regrets was that I didn’t solidify my interest in a particular grad school program (government with an emphasis on National Security) until recently…otherwise I could have been done with that degree and out of DC. Now, I’m in a bit of limbo. I’m ready to move…but can’t take the degree program with me from Johns Hopkins.
9. Learn to manage ADHD symptoms. I’ll discuss more about coping with ADHD in future blogs. For now I’ll say that although ADHD inspires a lot of jokes, it is a serious condition that has robbed me of the ability to store many of my memories, some precious, organize my life and things properly, communicate well to others, and manage my time. These symptoms have impacted my life in many ways, including my dating habits, and I must conquer them to be the friend to myself and others, and the Mom to my children that I want to be.

I think I have a few others, but this list represents the bulk of my goals. I’m sure there are others of you who have a list of goals you want to accomplish…I’m interested in what your goals are and whether or not you have achieved them or if you have a plan to achieve them.

Singled Out or Single Doubt?

SingledoutJDan and L. Kai, the German Shepherd

First, let’s talk about the name…Single’d Out. Obviously it’s a play on words. But to me, it’s even more than that. I always thought I’d be engaged at 27, married by 28, and well on my way to being a mom at 32 while enjoying 4-5 years of childless wedded bliss. Fairy tales are just that. Fantasies are just that. I have been single my entire dating life save for one very short relationship in which me and him were miles away from each other for most of our time ‘together.’ I’ve never been in love. Never had my heart broken. And never known what it’s like to have the love and support of a romantic relationship. And now, at 27, I’m still single and typically described as an ‘independent woman’ –a title that fills me with reluctant pride.

This blog is not to complain about being unattached and the last thing I need is people telling me “don’t worry you’ll find him” because the truth is I may not, and I know that now. I created this blog to share my experience as a single person who is away from my family and closest friends and without a significant other with whom to share responsibilities, emotions, problems…dreams. Being single impacts my life more ways than I’d ever imagined, and I have learned that there truly is such a thing as being “singled out.” It ain’t easy being single, but it ain’t terrible either…well sometimes it is, but mostly it’s not…otherwise I couldn’t say with 100% sincerity that I’m happy.